Hans' Story
Hans Schleinhelm lived in the Black Forest in Germany all his life. There he met and married Helga, when he invented marriage in 1423. (No one has had a better idea for marriage. I tell you, we still use marriage today.) Hans' fondest memories were of her, and of entertaining the local children of the nearby Lahr, when he wasn't doing his dayjob, pulling Black Forest logs down the mountainside.
But Hans' and Helga's happiness would not last long. In January 1492, consumed with rage after her husband committed adultery, Helga pushed Hans in front of one of the speeding logs on the mountain. He died instantly.
Unable to live without the man she loved, Helga retrieved his body and stuffed it, where it remains today in the barn of the farmhouse in the Black Forest where Helga still lives with her 80 metre dog, giving tours to English school children about the Little House of Milk and the Apartment of Spoons.
Another theory is that a Greek named Spiros stole Hans' body and froze it, and still serves clown meat and oil-covered chips to children on school trips when they come to his fly-ridden restaurant and write him insults when they leave.
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Hans
We still use photographs today... |
Helga
No one knows Helga's exact age, she has managed to survive this long by taking her special Cannabis daily. We still use Cannabis today. No one has had a better idea for Cannabis since Helga, in 1203. It's special blend helped her survive the Black Death when the rest of her family were killed. Oh, except for Hans, who was already dead. Helga can still be seen taking her Cannabis today from the Little House of Weed.
Send an email to Helga
For the record...
On a recent trip to Germany me and some friends of mine upset some widows named Helga, some tourists named George, Pierre, Connor, Morag, Rhinogwen and Spiros, some frogs, some dragons, some flies, some clowns, some illiterate Irishmen (they just wanted a potato) some unusually large dogs (they're not freaks, they're cainines too, dammit) and some men who had some unfortunate encounters with Dinosaurs. (It started with a kiss, but he wanted more...)
I would like to point out that we mean no harm to the following people:
-the Helgas of Germany
-the clowns - God bless the clowns, dead or alive
-the 80 metre dogs
-the frogs
-the dragons
-the Pierres
-the character of Connor O'Neill, or indeed Neighbours, or any illiterate Irishmen.
-Mrs Burdett, who I doubt will ever see this, but nonetheless, I'm kidding, your scarily obsessive love of Germany came in handy while we were there.
-the German pimps - don't worry, I'm not moving in on your territory, my bitches are for my personal use. Well, except Rutheybaby. She does anything for anyone for a cent. But that had nothing to do with me, she came up with it voluntarily...
-the Rhinogwens
-the Morags
-the Georges
-the Lions
-the abnormal-footed dancer girls. Well, okay. Maybe we did mean some harm to them. "You sing again and you die!" Ooh no, don't set the toes on me, they're so sharp!!!
-the shortbread, and the kilts... and the shortbread wearing kilts
-Barney's rape victims. Our thoughts are with you. One day at a time, guys. Don't let him win.
-the Spiroses and the flies.
-the owner of the card shop. We know you provide a valuable service to the whole community. Everyone needs card now and then.
-the Greek restaurant... Well, actually, you have to give us that one... The clown meat and the wrong chips WERE vile...
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Helga
Lonely and confused, Helga began eating the tourists. This girl, although obviously terrified, attempts polite conversation in true English fashion. "So, how's the weather in your part of Germany?"
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